Last week post and this week own actually goes hand in hand, so if you want to know what I’m talking about you can click here and it’ll bring you back to the previous post. I don’t even know what to say right now, this is probably the hardest update I’ve ever had in my whole life. Well, I guess a good place to start from is, the trials I was talking about was not a one-week thing, I should have known that haha. So far it has been going on for two weeks and oddly even though it is the same cause it has taken on a new form and my response was completely different. That is one reason why this is going to be hard because last week I was talking about getting yourself back up from the hard times well lets just say I’ve been doing the opposite. I’m disappointed in myself because I did not want it to get to me, I did not want it to put me down for a long time and in a bad way, but it did.
So this week will be all about anger, pain, hurt, revenge and moving on. That honestly sums up the majority of my feelings this past week, which once again I’m not proud of but I’m human and I will get hurt, I will get mad and that is not wrong but my response to it is what makes it good or bad. If you don’t know me, I’m really impulsive when I am passionate about something, especially when I am angry. I just say what comes to my mind, I do what I want to do and it will hit me after, that what I did was not the right thing to do and I’ll feel all sluggish about doing it. Well, I was able to control that part of the reaction, because I had people around me to remind me friendships and things I’ve ruined due to being impulsive. That lead to me holding everything in and literally not doing anything but just lying in different places in my house thinking about how rude that person was and if I was to ever see that person again I would say some harsh things. I am totally reaping what I sowed because believe me or not I actually slacked in my school work and in my bible reading. If anything was to disturb me the most, it’ll be that ever since last week, reading my bible have been on the bottom of my list and that just makes me speechless as to how I’ve made that one thing affect my relationship with God.
I eventually realized this half way through the week and I actually placed in the effort to read my Bible. Prior to all this, reading the bible came natural but now I actually set alarms, yell at myself in my head to put everything down and go read my bible. It helped actually because after my reading I will feel refocused and I’m not going to lie it might be for an hour and I’ll get mad/sad again but then instead of being like “I am going to rip his head off” I’ll be thinking ” Lord, please help me to get over this because no good will come from it and I’ll just regret everything….” I constantly tried to keep Klove (Christian station) on so I will have Godly music around me, going in and out of my head and these things actually helped. There was this one moment where I actually went on facebook and “stalked” (is it stalking when you have the person?) the person knowing I will get annoyed and I did actually get very furious. At that moment, I was thinking how pathetic I was trying to get madder and so I placed everything away and lay in bed and said a small honest prayer. Just to say, my remorse did not come from feeling wrong (it should have but it didn’t) it came from knowing where these strong feelings can take me and I did not want to be that person anymore. After that prayer, I decided to get off social media, to not be in contact with anyone I do not need to be in contact with and just to have more of these honest moments with God and me.
It’s moment like these that you remember something your pastor said or some inspirational, rebuking, motivational advice someone said. I had remembered my pastor saying on Sunday, when something is your weakness you do not want to keep it around or stay near it to remind yourself how strong you are, you should remove it from yourself. That is what I am going to do, I’ve noticed I’ve been in the same position before with the same people and as I’m working on myself I should work on my environment and remove anything that repeatedly draws me from the Lord or causes me to be the old me. Not putting the blame on someone else I do have to take responsibility for letting myself get mad and allowing something come in between God and I (only you/I can allow someone or something to come between our relationship with God.) I definitely have a lot to work on, but I am not perfect and I’m slowly handing everything to God for him to fix. So till, next time haha 🙂 Hopefully, it’ll be a more gracious and loving update.