Am I satisfied with myself?
No. I am not.
When I look at my life and all that I have done or have not done I feel unsatisfied. There is a sense of failure and leaving things undone. I look at myself and I see potential, potential to do some great things and maybe change something for someone. Yet, to me, I have not done those things. There is a lot in me I have not shown the world. I hold back and that makes me feel unsatisfied. I do not push the fence but I pet it and then walk away. I personally feel that I have not given my all to this life I am living. Maybe it is based on what I assume people think of me or what I think about myself. Yet, at the end of the day the current Helene Berko, is not enough for me.
My previous blog 6 Week of Questioning 21 Years, talks about my trip and the time I had on my hand which led me to question my life. At a certain point, the questions and the answers left me depressed. I had made up my mind to change my life completely, to be more healthy, get a full-time job, educate myself more and more, learn more about myself, stop the bad habits I have, focus on God, help other people, love without being scared and so forth. At one point the list of things to change got very long that I was disappointed in myself and who I am. I was very close to just finding myself lying in bed and completely ignoring life and any living thing around me. My mood changed, it went from feeling light and bubbly to heavy and dark. I could not see anything but my flaws and that scared me because the motivation to change was becoming motivation to suicide. Even now, I am not fully out of it but I see where I went wrong and I know to take it step by step but first I need to be satisfied with who I am.
A friend once asked me couple years ago when I first started working out and stopped “Why did I stop?” and I told her “I want to work on loving myself the way my body is before I make any modifications to it.” I can say the same about who I am, I have always wanted to better myself as a person. I just wanted to climb the ladder and get more confidence and love for myself by changing what I did. The problem is, I am trying to decorate a Christmas tree when I do not actually like the tree itself (do not know where that came from but it makes sense). Another example is, I am trying to grow a tree, get nice long branches that are unmissable yet I am not taking care of the root of the tree. Starting to get it? I was fixing my appearance when I truly was not satisfied with myself and that problem kept coming back every time I thought I was doing better.
I had felt like I am in a better place and then all of a sudden my whole world will drop in a blink of an eye because I remembered who I am. I am Helene Berko, 21 years old, introvert, awkward, shy, funny, loving/caring, creative (in a sense), has a weird sense of fashion, big eyed girl that just stares, daring and most of all sensitive. My whole world will crash because I thought I was 24 years old, Rebecca McNaught who was CEO of some big company, living the wealthy life, no troubles in life except my nail keeps breaking and many other things I am not. Yes, I am stretching things a bit far but it is the reality of it. Have you ever gone a whole day not looking in the mirror and that one split second you do, you remember who you are and your heart sinks so low? Well, that is exactly what I am talking about. Forgetting who you are and working on the mirage yet, when you remember yourself you almost drop dead.
Personally, for me, that is where my love of cosmetics and fashion came from. I was capable of being whoever I wanted whether it be a nerd called Leela, a diva called Rhonda or just a low-key student called Helene. I just realized that it might sound like I have the split personality disorder, I do not in case you were wondering. Yet, one thing I noticed through my whole fashion crave was the person behind the oversized glasses and high pant is the same person wearing the choker necklace and high heels. The mirage can do so much for so long, you either choose to love yourself eventually or you are probably gonna need a therapist somewhere down the line (not being rude…I have had to go to one myself.)
So am, I satisfied with myself?
No, but I am getting there. Taking it day by day and piece by piece. We are all beautiful and amazing people, nothing about us is a mistake so we should not hide it or shame it. Some people were born loving themselves and they are blessed but as others, we have to work on loving ourselves. That is not a bad thing because diamonds go through some works before they are the beautiful stone everyone wants. Be you and be satisfied 😉