Chemistry homework.
Personal issues.
Cleaning the house.
School projects…the list goes on and on.
The amount of guilt I’m feeling right now is insane. I have a list of things to do but I am sitting in my living room eating a breakfast sandwich for dinner, blogging my life away while feeling very tempted to read the new book I just bought. In the back of my mind I am telling myself to “Go study, go do homework!! Just go do something productive rather than sitting here and blogging”. There’s an annoying itch and maybe even a little anxiety going on about me doing nothing right now because I am not use to that. Compare to other people my age, I am not a busy person I should have time to sit down and relax but somehow I never have that time, the wheels in my brain keeps spinning and my hands and legs are always on the move.
Recently, I went on a “camping” trip with a class of mine, we slept inside a cabin but the location was pretty much in the wilderness with wild animals like humongous dogs that I call wolves but no one else agrees with me. Beside the point, the trip was quite interesting and a lot of fun occurred but the most interesting part I miss is the silent times where I was by myself shooting hoops (or ball…technically shooting the basketball in the net) or sitting outside at night just observing my surrounding. At those moments deep down I felt stupid because I’m standing in the rain with no jacket playing basketball knowing I can get sick or excluding myself and sitting on an unstable bench outside where anyone can come and snatch me. Somehow, having that silent, peaceful moment was worth anything even if it meant getting sick or being away from my friends.
Being back from the trip and back into reality have made me realize I don’t give myself time to breathe. I’ve always been the type of person that stresses about something or has something to do. It might not be a physical action, where I’m acting something out but it could be mentally where I’m planning things, assessing what needs to be done, thinking about the future, complaining about things bothering me or just stressing about the minor things in life. That has done me more damage than good and I’ve reached that point where I can’t do anything except sit in silence. The thing about not taking care of yourself is that it affects everything you do, you only put half the energy into your schooling, you are unfocused, and then try to find something that will make out feel better at the moment but makes your worse later on. I’m saying all this with experience, I’m there right now and I’m starting to find small fun things I can do that will relax me and just take my mind off all the things bugging me. Yet,the awkwardness and unease that comes with it almost forces me to go do my homework because being calm is uncomfortable but it’s also needed. Even if I tried to go study, nothing will go in my head or if I tried to resolve an issue it wouldn’t happen in a sensible and peaceful manner because I’m mentally, physical, and emotionally drained.
Honestly, I think it comes with time and practice just learning to place yourself first and if you’re not feeling at your best to take a minute or an hour to recuperate yourself and get back to being busy. We’re so used to being busy that it has become our norm and calmness has become such an awkward feeling we try to avoid. How many times are we actually relaxed or calm? I don’t know about you guys but I’ve caught myself stressing in my sleep and that is supposed to be one the relaxing hours of our day. As much as it feels like we are being forced to rush and keep moving we do control our own schedule in a day. If we make it our personal mission to get some downtime whether it be painting, reading, staring at a wall, playing basketball or taking a walk each day then we will find a way to make it happen. I feel that society (me and you)have made schooling, grades, social status, and work such a big deal that we place it over our own health. I try to remind myself when I’m overworked or not feeling my best mentally and I know I need to take an hour or two to catch a breath that if I don’t stop and get myself together I won’t even be able to finish this task, I won’t be able to finish my schooling because my brain, body and heart will be fried before I reach the end. We all want to reap what we sow but we can’t do that if we’re not taking care of ourselves to enjoy all the hard work ☺️ So stop what you’re doing, relax, breathe. Life goes on better when you take care of yourself.
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Akua Mode 